Still can't believe it

So Lyra comes to me today and says I miss grandma. It nearly broke my heart. I miss her so much. We had a very complicated relationship but I miss being able to call her. I miss her wisdom. In general I miss that she is gone. It seems like only yesterday she was here for Melina's first birthday party. I was so happy she came. I am glad she got to see where we live. It is sad to think of what she will not be here for and family get togethers are going to be so different from now on. It is hard not to pick up the phone and call her. I did yesterday and when it said the number you dialed has been disconnected it was like oh yeah. She is really gone. She was such an important part of our family. She was loved and now she is missed.

memories

I was down in the basement today and looking through the girls memory boxes. I have a tub for each girl and soon Orion will have one too. In it I keep cards and other special things they have collected throughout their lives. Well I was looking through I found many cards from my grandmother. The girls loved getting cards from their great grandmother. I never threw them away. Some day when they are older they will see how many card their great grandmother. Some people may call me a pack rat but I call it memories.

23 weeks here I come/ grandma

Almost to 23 weeks! I cannot believe what a journey this pregnancy has been. It has been filled with a lot of nervousness on my behalf but Scott has been right there reassure me everything is going to be fine. In these past weeks my grandmother passed away and it saddens me to know that she will not be here to meet Orion when he is born but I know that he has a special angel watching over him. Grandma passing was very hard as this disease called cancer spread more rapidly than what any of us thought. I have not removed her number from my cell phone yet as it seems that I cannot bring myself to do that. Even though I know I will never call her again and hear her voice saying Henamans. Strange, I never heard her answer the phone in any other way. I know she is in heaven with grandpa, my mom, my baby, and a host of others that were there to welcome her into heaven. I know she did not beat the cancer the way she would have wanted with modern treatments such as chemo and radiation, but I know she is in heaven now saying I beat you now cancer. I beat you know.